Pada Suatu Hari, Nadia

– Mochtar Pabottingi 

Pada suatu hari, Nadia, di rumah kecil kita 

Yang selalu asri di tanganmu. Aku atau engkau 

Harus belajar kembali. Merangkai rindu. Sendiri 

Atau menangkap kunang-kunang. Untuk jadi teman 

Meniti mimpi 

Pada suatu hari, Nadia 

Di dalam rumah maupun di beranda akan selalu ada yang tiada 

Dan akan selalu tiada yang ada 
Jika aku menjelma sehelai daunan bambu 

Yang tanggal. Kering dan retas. Terseret limbubu

Hingga ke padang-padang berdebu

Aku mau di ujung angin terbawa juga 

Wangi ubun-ubunmu

[Diunggah untuk memperingati hari ini, 19 Agustus, 41 tahun silam]

What if I fall?

#nowplaying ‘Somebody’ – Depeche Mode


People who love me want to see me happy. People who really care, pray or even get out of their way to make sure I am happy. They’re happy when I am. Funny, I’m happy when they are too.

But what if I lied? What if I told them and showed them I was happy. When in reality I was struggling. Struggling with regrets, with hopes, with ‘what ifs’ and ‘what nots’.

Is prayer really a different form of magic? But for how long will the spell last? How many spells is one allowed to cast?

If I told them I was unhappy, wouldn’t it make the people who love me feel unhappy too?


Status is just a word. Some people act like a victim when they could simply get up and leave. Leave all the negativity and toxic behind. Let that giant step leave a mark on their foreheads. Big fat reminders they will face everyday and use to strive daily in order accomplish what they came for.

And pray. Pray relentlessly that the decision they’ve made will follow them with the smallest twinge of regret.

Like the questions that will come; “Did I do my best?” “Did I give my all?” “Was I being fair?” “Will I fall or will I fly?”

Then the voice of Erin Hanson will answer, “Oh but my darling, What if you fly?’

–Even if you  fall, a part of you will still remain.”

I guess.

Love is just a circle with two sharp edges.