I wish we lived this close to each other. I’ll get to see you riding your bike off to work every morning. You can smell my cooking from upstairs as you play your guitar on the balcony, imagining what my food tastes like as you wait for your GoFood order to arrive. You could ring your bicycle bell every time you get home and see my lights on, just so I know you’ve come home safely. I’d whisper quietly, “Okaeri.”

We could watch the same sunsets, even if it meant we had to lean over the corner of the balcony and risk our lives. I’d leave notes in your mailbox. Some silly, some sad, some short and some a bit too long. You wouldn’t reply and I wouldn’t ask you why.

Is it OK to have a love like this? One that only lives in your head? Without a future. Except a fictitious one, that could end up immortal in a way if it someday is printed on paper? If I could make that happen, I wouldn’t mind dying a lonely death.

art by Pascal Campion “Longing”

Teman saya tak banyak. Saya tak butuh banyak dan tak berani berteman banyak-banyak. Saya hanya butuh mereka yang bisa saya ajak bicara tentang apapun termasuk hal-hal yang mungkin tabu dibicarakan dengan orang lain tanpa harus khawatir dicap macam-macam. Tidak hanya yang ‘nganu’, ide-ide paling konyol dan pendapat-pendapat paling bodoh tak segan saya muntahkan di depan mereka. Bahkan mereka sering menjadi saksi air mata yang tiba-tiba saja menggenang tanpa tanda-tanda atau awan-awan.

Mungkin itu pula sebabnya teman saya hanya segelintir. Tidak sampai satu tangan dalam digit hitungan. Tapi bersama mereka saya merasa nyaman. Merasa selalu memiliki jatah pelukan kapanpun saya perlukan. Tak perlu menimbang-nimbang kata sebelum diucapkan, tak perlu menyiangi pikiran sebelum kuberikan, mereka akan menerima, mendengarkan dan bila diperlukan memberikan masukan pun sebaliknya, saya akan.

Kami hanya saling mengasah, saling menyaring. Menjaring apa yang hendak kami pertahankan melepaskan yang memilih pergi.

artwork by Rosie Harbottle “Stay Wild Moon Child”