♠ you

you won’t be reading this

i know

you don’t like to read

won’t be seeing you again

i know

you’re off limits

you will be loving, sweet and kind to her

i know

coz you are like that with the woman you love

i know

i gotta disappear

for another 9 or 10 years

to protect what we have

to protect what she has of you

i know

i’ll be happy for you.

because, loving is not owning, But… learning

Sundakelapa, 6 September 2008

Night Writer

♠ night writer

I love you?
Is it that easy to say?
What if I don`t really mean it?
What if I can`t prove it?
What if my definition of the word has been a mistake all this time?
What if
I just want to see
How good I can be
With you here with me?

I ….. you.
Aku titik-titik padamu. Sounds more fit.
Then I can fill in the blanks with whatever feeling I have for you.
Anytime, anywhere, anyhow….

Anyway, I just want some happiness. Could you spare me some?

Kyoto, 30 Oktober 2005

Easy Baby

baby, wrap your arms around me
kiss my ears, my neck and caress my back
hmmm… you know how I like that…
remind me of the 7 things you look for in a wife
you memorize the 6 things I need in a man
i turn to face you and suggest we take a walk, you catch my lips and plant a sloppy wet one…

lets beat the sun
lets beat the early birds
we hand each other each others’ jumper
the air is crisp, i pull the hood over your head and mine
we’re mafias
mafias with a bad case of insomnia
let’s raid the first mom & pop coffee shop we see

I snuggle my hand in your jumper pocket
Your hand then intertwines with mine
I tell you a story about an old old couple that walked hand in hand every morning
We sing our favorite songs from the top of our lungs…

April 14, 2009


tengkurap di atas sajadah pinjaman
jari-jemari memainkan bulu-beludru yang biru kehijau-hijauan
tak ada puja dan puji hanya sepinya ruang ini
diselingi suara-suara loudspeaker yang melantunkan ayat-ayat di kejauhan
kadang lebih enak begini
tanpa kata
tanpa pinta
sekedar kesadaran

pindah ke ruangan sebelah
ada sofa coklat besar yang mengundang
kurentangkan tubuhku telentang
telekung sholat menyisakan hanya wajah
tangan bersidekap
tiba-tiba kutersadar
posisi ini, begitu mirip dengan aku jika kelak

May 5, 2009

Be Selfish!

To love is a selfish deed. Our perception that we give our love to another is a lie. Because if we look deeper under the surface, we are the one’s that are satisfied by being able to release the feeling. It’s in our being. Our existence. We exist because of it. Love is the essence of life.

One thing that ruins love is forgetting this fact. Expecting something in return while in fact our own thirst has been quenched thoroughly by a sweet gesture, a kiss or a hug.

So don’t give me your apologies explaining that you aren’t able to return my love. I don’t mind. I gave mine away because I have lots to spare. I gave mine to you, because at the time I needed to. Maybe it would only need time for me to accept the fact that my love might be more useful somewhere else.

Love with all your heart.
Love like you have never been hurt by love.
Love because you need to love instead of being loved.

To love is a selfish deed. So don’t be selfish with your love.

Jakarta, May 29, 2009

I Don’t Know Who You Are, But I Miss You

I miss your scent.
Sandalwood and citrus with a whiff of cinnamon for warmth.
I miss watching you fall asleep.
Chin tucked in your chest. A book that lost the grip of your hands lies lonely on the floor.
I miss the golly good laughs of morning breaths.
We really should start brushing our teeth before going to bed. Really, we should.
I miss the sweater your mother made you.
Of camels and palm trees so intricately woven.
I miss how you love tragedies.
Of lovers that can’t stand a chance in loving.

I must be dreaming.

Plafon I, 24 Juni 2009

What Is It ?

Life is not a matter of decisions when I’m with you.
I could perfectly know nothing about what awaits me when I choose the right path or the left, yet when you hold my hand all I know is I am in good hands.
Life is not a conformity during our time together.
It’s about listening to our inner children that follow the light of their conscience not everybody else’s.
Life is not about being happy over other people’s miseries when you’re around.
It’s more like a live and let live situation. Love and let love.
Life is not about having to abandon one love to be with another when it comes to you.
It’s as if forever is not a limit and they are bound to accept some time.
Life is not about the past, present or the future when it comes to us.
It’s beyond that.
That is why I don’t know what it is.
Not yet.

Time’s Up!

We stopped the first Mikrolet that showed up. We’re early, it’s only 6.03. I lifted Daffa onto the front seat next to the driver, and got on after him and closed the door. The driver changed gears, his hands brushed my son’s thigh a bit. I had a feeling he was enjoying it. I picked Daffa up casually and sat him on my lap, “Look Daffa the baloon guy.” I said pointing outside the open window.
“Ma?” the breeze was drying his strawberry smelling hair. I kept breathing in the lovely scent.
“What day is today?”
“What was it yesterday? Do you remember?”
“What day comes after Wednesday?”
“Thursday. Oh.” He didn’t care anymore. He was busy watching the world move before him.
“Could please you tell Ms. Fatima that I don’t like carrots?”
“Sorry, Kiddo your on your own this time.” He’s so cute when he uses ‘politeness’ to get his way. I kiss the crown of his haid for that.

We arrived on the street corner of Daffa’s preschool.
“Stop here, please.” I told the driver, handing him 3000 rupiahs.
“You’re welcome!” Daffa yelled cheerfully to the driver.
We tumbled out quick and clean. Double checking nothing got left behind.
I checked my wrist, the digital display read: 6:66.
What? That’s not quite right, I thought.

Daffa was already running ahead of me.
Not far, 5 of his friends were huddled together around something.
When I caught up with him I was shocked to see what interested them so much.

It was a bird. Ordinary as any.
But it was just floating there. Caught in-flight.
Like a live 3D sculpture.
Shasha, Daffa’s classmate reached out to touch it. The other kids gasped. I yelled, “Don’t!”
It might be infected with something, I thought. But with what? What happenned to gravity?

I looked around us.
What I realized made me drop to my knees.
“Mama!” Daffa cried out.
He looked at the same direction I was looking.
Birds everywhere froze in the air. It’s as if someone pressed the pause button.
Nature stopped. Not a breeze. Not even a sway from the trees.
Maybe it wasn’t the pause button. What if SOMEONE pressed the stop button?
Is this the end of time? I checked my wrist again: now it read 9:99.
What the–?

Think Dian. Think. What is this? What if this The End?
What if it’s just another one of nature’s phenomenon?
But the chaos once others realize what we hav, would in it’s own way become apocalyptic, wouldn’t it.

I took out my cell. Dialed for my husband. But there wasn’t any connection.
God! Is this really it? Do we pray now? Or do we just lie on the ground and wait?
I gathered all five children. Walked them to a patch of grass. “All of you sit here.”
“Ants!” Hasan yelled.
The ants too have stopped moving. They were carrying their larvae, planning to evacuate or something?
“It’s OK, they’ve stopped. Time has stopped.” I said trying to hide the tears in my voice.
Then all of a sudden Daffa was fading. Like in the movies.
“Daffa!” I tried to hold him but I couldn’t
“Mama!” he was terrified. So was I and all the other children. He kept gradually disappearing.
“Oh God! Oh God! Not Dafa! Not my baby! Not yet. Please, GOD!” I wailed.
“Mama Daffa!” Hasan was calling me.
“Mama Daffa! Shasha! She’s disappearing too.” Adit was crying.
All of a sudden all the 6 children were vanishing slowly.
I realized since Daffa was the youngest compared to the others, that the younger ones go first.

I focused on my baby. He was crying his eyes out. Calling for me. Reaching for me.
“Baby, Darling. Mama’s here. It’s OK. It’s OK.” I’m looking into his eyes, trying hard to smile.
They look like ghosts now. Thinning out.
My voice was all I could hear, echoing all around me.
All that’s left is Daffa’s eyes.
“You’re on your own now Kiddo. I love you.”
Then no more Daffa.

I fell to the ground. Covering my face with my hands.
So this is the end, eh? Way to go, God.
Light seeps through my hands. My eyelids no longer function. Tears lost their meaning.
I’m disappearing too.
Ready or not.


‘Lho, ini ngga salah?’ gumamku. Kuperhatikan baik-baik kartu identitas yang tadi diklip rapih pada berkas lamaran. KTP Asli. Satu poin negatif, Te-Le-Dor. Fotonya sih cantik, tapi aku sudah terlatih untuk tidak terkecoh oleh foto. Terlalu banyak bohongnya. Filter ini-itu. Crop di sini-situ. Putihin dikit, hilangin jerawatnya dikit. Saya lebih percaya sama Surat Izin Mengemudi, foto di situ biasanya lebih jujur.

Namanya cukup cantik, Kirana Karenina. Tinggal di daerah Meruya. Usianya baru 22 tahun. Status perkawinan. Nah, ini yang penting! ‘Menikah’, bah! Kulempar KTP tersebut ke boks bertuliskan ‘Shred’, lalu meraih amplop yang masih tertutup. Teleponku berbunyi.

“Bro, ini gue Alex. Barusan gue nitip lamaran bini gue. Namanya Kirana, ada di meja lo.”

Hari Ke-2135

Dingin pagi masih menggigit. Kutarik lebih rapat sarung tidurku. Lamat-lamat, kudengar suara Ibu mengaji dari balik dinding bambu. Harum nasi yang sedang ditanak memenuhi hunian kami yang sempit. Kulihat jam, 5.14. Abah pasti sudah berangkat. Menyupiri bos-bos Jepang. Rasanya baru 3 jam yang lalu beliau pulang. Kuhalau malas dengan duduk bersila di atas tikar. Berusaha mengumpulkan nyawa yang masih terserak. Kokok ayam dan kicau burung bersahut-sahutan. Beda jenis tapi sepertinya saling paham. Jingle-jingle tukang rotipun bermunculan. Jangan terkecoh, yang lagunya bagus belum tentu rotinya enak. Titik-titik matahari menembus dinding gedeg sebelah Timur, macam bilah-bilah laser menembakiku dengan hangatnya. Aku tersenyum kecil, mengucap Hamdalah, Ta’awudz dan Basmalah. “Ayo, Cok! Semangat! Hari ini pasti dapat kerja!”